I Rejected Several Most Amazing Lovers of My Life
Shadow aspect of desires has always been present for me
April 2022, by Viktoria Kshevinskaya
I made poor choices in life, agreed for something out of craving and stayed in relationship for too long or even ignored the red flags to begin with.
I was there. I know how it feels with every cell of my being.
When I was younger, I had thoughts and feelings that if I was born as a man, my life would be much easier. I would not need to entertain the anxiety of the mind agonising on the topic of ‘he loves me, he loves me not’, instead I would just fuck everything around me.
Uhhhh
Slut-shaming is a huge part of our culture and suppressed sexuality is a result of it.
It is very hard to find a balance between being a good girl and desire of being bent over and fucked really hard.
I do not need to interview multiple men to come to a conclusion that there is nothing a man wants more than a woman who would be dripping with desire for him and would be liberated and expressing her seductive nature and pumping up his masculinity by just being her.
And for sure being with a woman who knows what she wants is a gift and a push beyond your limits also.
A couple of years ago when I had a chance to come across sacred sexuality, I was so shocked when I realized that there is so much more there for me.
I was self-pleasuring since early teens, although it was connected with lots of guilt and shame as well as I was always fantasizing of a fantom Mr.X coming and being naughty with me. In my mind it was always connected with HIM. I thought I would have multiple (or even any) orgasms when I find the right one. And although inside I was really happy to be me, outside the situation did not develop the way I wanted it to.
There were no right partners I would agree to make love with, or when there were, the way it all played out, made me feel really depleted and disappointed. I thought I had to love sex, but all I did in uni ages was bit my lip and allow my partner to cum as fast as he could so that he would let me go and be busy with my life.
At some point my partner gave me vibrators as a gift. OMG I had no idea I could feel so much. I stayed there for a long time. Multiple years of self-pleasuring and lesbian porn were there for me. I was disgusted by mens penises displayed in porn. Lesbian movies were much more sensual for me. I started imagining me making love with women, and when the time came and it all started playing out in the reality, it was lots of fun, but not for long.
When I was with women, I loved dominating in my masculine energy, although my submissive nature needed me to be with a dominating male partner.
And then a good girl’s time came, I took away all my toys and got married. I was rather happy in my marriage, entertaining myself with a vibrator when I had a chance.
You know when a woman gets addicted to a vibrator, she can’t really cum in an intercourse, and with time obviously she loses interest.
Look at this vibrators industry: cum in 3 seconds, 500 types of rotation to make you cum faster and stuff like that, all those lubes to push that piece of plastic inside of your sacred temple without any preparation. And women agree for that, as they know nothing better.
How many women were diagnosed with ovaries disfunction feeling guilty for their lack of interest in sex, as they held so much pain, insult and shame from their partners which was manifested in tension in their ovaries and womb, without any ability to release it, going from one doctor to another and trying to cover up their dissatisfaction with the temporary solution in a form of pills.
A couple of years ago I bought myself a gift: a crystal yoni egg. I started exploring, how it can be helpful for my body, how pelvic floor muscles can influence my pleasure, how it can be healing. There was a lover who showed me the watery ability of my g-spot. And for some time I thought that my pleasure is locked on him, and when we separated I was devastated.
Apparently, at the same time I lost my other yoni toys in my own house, they literally fell down under my mattress and I couldn’t find them for a couple of months. As I had no other choice and I needed my pleasure badly, I started exploring my own body.
After that I enrolled in sacred sexuality programs and started going deep with myself. I discovered how much tension from not being held by my past lovers my body had. I went into a shamanic celibacy journey to learn how to circulate that energy within me, I learnt what it really means for me to have full body orgasm and a pleasure plato, and how to use that energy for creativity.
And after all that I realized that my pleasure does not depend on a partner, although it does depend on how relaxed I am and whether or not I feel safe with this particular person.
My boundaries were crossed multiple times in my life starting with sexual harassment at work and finalizing with impatient lovers, who couldn’t care less if my yoni was ready to let them in or not. I faced lovers who would shame me for being me, meaning I had lots of experience with multiple people, but in fact I just learnt who I am and what I want.
With all that being said I want to emphasise that my pleasure belongs to me. My body tension appears when I agree for less. My dissatisfaction arises when I search for outside validation.
Everything I need is already within me. The reason I want to come in contact with a partner is because I want to be dripping with desire and I want to have that magnificent energy exchange while being received where I am.
I like going very deep.
I like the moments when the time stops and nothing else exists. I like feeling appreciated and nourished. I like giving pleasure and riding the waves of love.
When we come into bedroom, we exchange all the ancestors’ trauma, programs, and pain both of us hold. We need to be very selective on the motives we choose to come into the intercourse with.
Porn taught us how to disconnect lower chakras from the heart, but when we pass the solar plexus and go to the heart and higher chakras while making love, the love bubble is so powerful that is can create realities, it is a psychedelic experience without drugs.
This is what we want. This is what love is about. This is why celibacy is needed to return to a default and to learn about yourself.
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